WHY COAL MAKES THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

by Nathaniel Krause

I'll never forget the magic in the air on those midwinter morns of my youth, when, aroused by the first hints of light making their way through my blinds, I raced downstairs to begin the festivities on what must be every child's favorite holiday: Christmas. My parents had told me many times that old Saint Nick would make his yearly visit Christmas Eve, arriving like a thief in the night who doesn't take anything but leaves stuff instead, so I anxiously sought out what treasure he had brought. I guess, at some level, I knew all along that I really had Mom and Dad to thank for my windfall, but at the time I was happy in the illusion that jolly Chris Cringle had been there, leaving me not just merriment, but, to the fascination of my young mind, one shiny new lump of coal.

This Yuletide, you, too, can be part of this ancient tradition. Keep the magic alive. Give the gift that once was living and keeps on giving: coal. There are lots of reasons that I consider it the best present of all.

For one thing, coal can be useful. If you are trying to shop for someone too destitute to afford gas or electric heating, perhaps a friend who lives in the third world or who is addicted to hard drugs, the holiday season is the time when they need coal the most. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving, imagine their gratitude when you provide them with life-giving warmth.

Another nice thing about coal is that it keeps, so when someone gives it to you, you can rewrap it and give it to someone else next Christmas (or for their birthday, or an anniversary, etc.). Coal conveniently takes up less space than a fruitcake (which is what Santa Claus gives the people he really dislikes).

The gift of coal will also allow you to focus more on the original, religious meaning of Christmas, if you're into that sort of thing. After all, it may be that the best-selling novel you're thinking about giving was made by some famous writer and the hot new action figure the kids want was made by industrious Chinese slave laborers, but these are merely the works of mortals. Only the sweet baby Jesus can make a piece of coal. (By the way, coal isn't just for Gentiles anymore. It also makes a great Hanukkah present, in case you run out of walnuts and thumbtacks).

You may not think that the gift of coal is going to impress your girlfriend or boyfriend, but you are totally wrong. Just keep telling that special someone to think of it as "really, really, really old flowers." Or, here's another great gift idea: buy a nice velvet jewelry box, put the coal inside, and tape a sign on the front that says "pre-diamond." Coal may not be a girl's best friend yet, but it will be someday.

As I can tell you from personal experience, little children love coal. Here's a list of ten fun things kids can do with coal:

1. Make believe: "Mississippi steamship worker"

2. Science experiment: what does coal taste like?

3. Set on fire, watch hypnotic flames

4. Set on fire, throw at friends

5. Set on fire, torment ants

6. Set on fire, cook food for other latch-key children

7. Set on fire, rat Mom and Dad out to the EPA

8. Set on fire, practice "fire-walking" routine for school talent show

9. Set on fire, variant of "kick the can"

10. Make believe: Amos 'n' Andy are back ... 90's style!

Many of these games will require that you provide your children with matches and lighter fluid, which, on second thought, may not be a very good idea after all.

I do realize that life is full of surprises, and that some people are just plain ingrates. If you, for some reason, get complaints about your carbon-rich present, just remind the recipient of all the worse things you could have gotten them for Christmas. The insect possibilities are really endless: earwigs, rattan fire ants, ticks, a plague of locusts. Or, who wants to wake up on Christmas morning with a stocking full of curdled milk? Not me. How about angry, introspective poetry that doesn't rhyme? Try keeping yourself alive through winter with that.

Above all, the best thing about giving or receiving coal on Christmas is probably the symbolism. As we all remember from childhood, Santa is supposed to keep a list of who gets what on Christmas: the kids who make their beds, eat their veggies, and speak when spoken to get toys; the kids who drink, curse, and steal police cars get coal. Basically, what you get defines whether or not you've been nice that year. But why would you want to hang out with the nice kids? Giving coal is a way of telling your friends: "Hey, pal, you've been just plain naughty, and that's what I love about you."